Monday, November 12, 2012

"Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest....


I have been away from my blog entries for quite some time.....a month to be exact. I couldn't bring myself to write until now. The purpose of sharing my journey from the beginning was to help others understand better the process involved in getting a cochlear implant, to share my feelings, my milestones and so much more. I am a private person but I knew at the beginning of this I had to step out of my comfort zone to share my journey. I had become an open book, so to speak. This last month was the one of the most difficult for me. I wasn't ready to share it with the whole world. I felt very vulnerable and it's still hard for me now because that means I am exposing my weaknesses. I like to be strong and I like to show that I am strong but I understand now that experiencing these weak moments are leading me up to the now and making me stronger for the future. I came across a quote, "Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time." I realized then it was okay to have these moments and to try to embrace them the best way I can. Every situation and trial that I battle, every milestone that I triumph is exactly how it's supposed to happen. God is in control. I need to trust Him always.  Every stepping stone, every stick thrown in front of me and hurdling over every one of them is testing my will in ways I never thought possible. I've had a lot of sticks thrown at me this last month and it was a very trying month. There were times I wanted to give up. My emotions were stripped so raw. My mind was in overload.....sensory overload. I was mentally exhausted. I fell into an almost  depressed like state for two weeks. I was trying to deal with a new life of sounds. It was a much quieter world the last 44 years. Then.....I was thrust upon this very noisy world. High pitch noises I have never heard in my entire life that many with hearing are used to were apparent everywhere. I had adjustments almost every week. There were some setbacks. There were some changes. There were some improvements. As my longtime teacher once told me, it is like a wedding dress fitting. There will be many alterations and fittings until I find the "right fit". The last month was spent trying to get used to the high pitches. Then bringing in the lows a little bit at a time. The metallic taste in my mouth came back when the low pitches were brought in. I would get the metallic taste in my mouth when deeper voices were more prominent. My audiologist called Cochlear Americas to ask about this. She was told it is normal and should go away over the course of the next few weeks or months. It just means one or more of the electrodes are close to my nerve endings. She tweaked it around a little bit. She turned off three electrodes and moved things over to the other electrodes. She also adjusted the high pitches to where it wasn't so overpowering. Things were looking up. I struggled through those two weeks of feeling really down. I thought a lot about how it would've helped to be more prepared and more informed before the surgery. I think it would have helped more if I had a mentor before the surgery and support along the way. I believe that it is a service that should be provided along with the surgery and adjustment appointments. Only someone with a cochlear implant can truly understand what I am going through. They may not have the same experience but they will understand. I hope that I can provide that support to someone in the future. As hard as a hearing person will try to understand, they cannot. Until they walk in my shoes. My family has truly been my rock. They hold me up. They push me. They give me much needed emotional support. I don't have any regrets and I know that my reward will be greater in the long run. One day I happened to walk in my daughter's room to talk with her. I was immediately drawn to her mirror where she had quotes written all over with a colored dry erase marker. Two quotes spoke to me, "You've got what it takes but it will take everything you've got." and " You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it." It really struck a chord in my heart and tears sprang to my eyes. I knew then that I needed to pull my bootstraps ups and snap out of this. Time to get to work. The first thing I did was look for a support group online on Facebook. I found one called Cochlear Implant Experiences and it was a closed group. I joined and it was exactly what I needed. I shared my experiences and wondered if they were normal. I had many responses immediately from all over the country. Many experienced what I was experiencing and gave me much encouragement. They all said things will sound normal on the average of 4 to 6 months time. Some experience it earlier but that seemed to be the average. This gave me hope! I checked in almost daily to read others' experiences and to ask questions. I seemed to be right on track. It helped me tremendously. I was able to move forward much quicker having that kind of support. I got to work. I got on a website that was suggested to me by a gentleman I consider a mentor that my Mom introduced me to after I had my surgery. This website, www.manythings.org  is used for learning English but is very useful for learning to listen to sounds of words. I try to practice 15 minutes at a time because that's about all I can start with. There will be two words side by side that almost sound alike. For example, bus and boss, cut and caught, etc. I click on each word to listen to the sound of the word. Then below those words is a quiz. After I practice I will click on quiz and try to listen to which word is being said. I got a lot wrong at first but I am starting to get some right. It takes practice! I feel like I am in elementary school all over again and that is hard for me at times but I keep reminding myself I did this before and I can do it again. I will get there. I also turn my hearing aid off for a few minutes throughout the day and just listen with the cochlear. I try to do that and just learn the different sounds. I am starting to differentiate the sounds and pitches. I also told myself that I need to pace myself at work since I work in a very noisy dental office. I now wear it half a day while I am there until I get more acclimated to the high pitch dental sounds. My Mom started sending me recordings every few days to practice listening to her voice. We downloaded the Smart Recorder Lite app on our Iphones. She records a sentence or two and sends the recording to me along with a text of what is said. I listen to it over and over. She would say simple things like, "Good morning Lisa. The sun is out. I hope you have a great day. I love you." Keeping it short and simple is what works for me now. I actually had tears in my eyes last week as I listened to one of her recordings because I felt like her voice is starting to come through more to me. I felt like it was another small turning point. Voices still sound mechanical but it is starting to change. High pitch sounds are becoming more tolerable now. It is not entirely comfortable yet. I'm working on it. I am learning where each high pitch sound is coming from. I now know when my microwave timer is going off. I can hear the two beeps when the timer goes off. The other day, I was cooking dinner over the stove and all of a sudden two beeps went off and I looked over and sure enough, the timer went off. It took weeks of practice but this week I didn't have to guess where that came from. That was another small turning point. Some noises are annoying. I now know when someone is coming in the back door. My screen door squeaks so loudly when closing. So annoying and I've been getting on Todd to oil that back door! I have finally figured out Andrew's whistle. He loves to whistle all the time. His whistle is so profound and loud. At times I have to stop Andrew and say "shhhh". The other day while doing laundry I kept hearing this clanging high pitch when I was in the other room. I walked towards the source and sure enough, it was one of Hannah's jacket. It was the zipper clanging inside the dryer. I took the jacket out to air dry. It's nice to know I have some control! One wow moment I had this past weekend which I felt was huge to me was the music at Hannah's cheer competition in Waynesville. The car radio still bothers me at times so I wasn't sure how I was going to do with all the girls screaming their cheers along with the music. I was prepared to take it off at some point. Wow, the DJ music was so loud and just radiated throughout the gym. I was there for five hours. I listened. As time passed, I actually enjoyed it! What was amazing to me was that I was hearing other instruments other than the drums. Before with my hearing aids, I would only hear the drums and the beats. I looked at Todd and asked him what I was hearing other than the drums. He said it was the keyboards and guitars. It was crazy! I was starting to make it out the longer I listened. It wasn't annoying. I could tell the difference in different songs. Alot of them were fast songs. Then at the end of the competition were two hip hop groups that performed. The first hip hop group really touched me. I loved the hip hop music! I listened and I was able to hear some soft melodies and then some strong beats along with it. It was just a different kind of music and I liked it! Who would have thought.....a 44 year old liking hip hop music? It was a huge day for me. To actually sit there for five hours without being uncomfortable, enjoying the music and feeling it in my body was a monumental day for me. I caught myself swaying my body to the music at times. I was ready to dance! So, I feel like I am turning around the corner. All these small turning points are leading up to bigger milestones. I am getting stronger each day. As I end this blog entry, I am reminded of Matt's favorite scripture which is also one of my favorites.....Phillippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
 
 


Friday, October 12, 2012

Medical Alert.....

Two weeks ago I made a medical decision regarding my safety. It was not one I took lightly. I was told by my ENT doctor and audiologist I needed to have a medical alert bracelet or necklace. My implant device has a magnet internally so that I can attach my outer sound processor to it. In the picture below is my sound processor next to my hearing aid that I wear in my right ear. The round part of my sound processor is the magnet that attaches to the implant in my skull area above my ear. The behind the ear processor is what houses the computer chip and microphone. It sends all of the sounds and signals through the magnet to the electrodes in my cochlea and to my brain. Note that I have no ear mold going into my ear like my other hearing aid.

My hearing aid and my sound processor
 

Two weeks ago, out of the blue I told Todd, "I think I want to get a tattoo today." Todd says, "What??" He really did not believe me at first because I have no tattoos and I can be a prude when it comes to that stuff. We had talked about it before but it was just casual in conversations we had and nothing came of it. As time went on, the urgency of having a medical alert bracelet was pressing on my mind. I cannot have an MRI because of the magnets. If I would have an MRI, it would literally rip the implant through my skull. I would never be able to have an implant again in that ear. That was not a pleasant thought after all I went through to get to this point. It would be devastating. For those that know me, I am not a jewelry person. All I wear is my wedding band and earrings. I will occasionally wear a nice necklace or bracelet on special occasions but it's very rare. I really didn't like the thought of wearing a medical alert bracelet every day. Or a necklace. I would have to make to sure I remember to put it on daily. Todd and I talked about the pros and cons and all the scenarios. If I would get in a car accident, the necklace or bracelet could possibly come off and fly under the seat and they would never know I have an implant. I know that's worse case scenario but I think about it. This is my life we're talking about. Or if I would be out running and I happen to pass out for some reason......and I forget to put my bracelet on no one would know I have an implant. Those are just some of the scenarios Todd and I thought of. I decided having a medical alert tattoo would be the best option for me. It would be where they would check for my pulse. It would alert them that I am not to have an MRI and that I have a cochlear implant. Knowing that I would never have to worry about forgetting to put a bracelet on or losing my bracelet in an accident gave me much greater sense of security and peace. So I made my decision right then and there two weeks ago when I woke up on a Saturday morning. My kids were like, "No way"......they never thought their Mom would get a tattoo. Of course, Chris and Matt said, "Do it.....you only live once". :)  So......Todd and I went to Glenn Scott's in Kettering. I told them to make it as small as they could. I was nervous. And it hurt like heck  since it was on a sensitive spot on my wrist. It felt like dull razor blades with fire especially on the outlining. It only took about 20 minutes. I was very pleased with the outcome. I left with a great weight lifted off my shoulders. Now I don't have to worry about all the scenarios with a bracelet. It's permanent. I love it and I am really happy with my decision.
 
My medical alert tattoo


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

No excuses.....

It's been a very trying week for me. It has only been ten days since my ear was turned on. Sometimes it feels a lot longer. The first few days were very difficult for me since I worked the day after it was turned on. My work environment is not really an ideal place to start listening with the cochlear implant. My audiologist started me with the high pitches only at a low level. Apparently, that was a little too much for me since the noise at my work consists of mostly high pitch sounds. At my dental office, there were constant high pitch sounds such as my boss's high speed drill (and his room is next to mine), the suction, the air syringe and the ultrasonic. I worked two days in a row and both days I came home and fell asleep for three hours. I never take naps. My brain was just on sensory overload. I was exhausted. My brain was being stimulated in a way that it never has. I have never heard high pitch sounds in my life. My hearing aid really only picks up the low pitch noises. So, this has been a  really a difficult adjustment for me. I had a couple of meltdowns after about 5 days of activation. This is a huge emotional adjustment for me. For 44 years, I heard a certain way with my hearing aids. It was very comfortable for me. It was all I knew. Then boom, that all changes. I felt like I was thrown into the fire. My emotions were all over the place. I wasn't prepared for this at all. I was hearing all kinds of high pitches and beeps and I had to try to figure them out. I felt like a baby learning all over again. That was extremely difficult for me. I was frustrated. Some people have a hard time understanding. Some think that once it's turned on, I hear everything. My audiologist tells me what I hear now won't be what I hear in six months from now. This is a long, hard and tedious learning process. The best way I can explain it is......let's say they come out with a miracle cure for someone who is paralyzed in their legs and they are able to stimulate their legs the same way my brain and cochlea are being stimulated. Will they be able to get up and walk and run the first day or the first week? No, absolutely not. It takes time to build up the muscles in their legs. They have to train their legs hour after hour, day after day in the weeks and months to come before they can have the ability to run. My situation is the same way. I am starting with the high pitches and I have to listen and learn every day to try to figure out what sounds they are. Each week, more pitches are added to my program because I have to allow my brain to adapt and grow. The low pitches are barely even added in my program so I'm not hearing the low sounds yet. This is where it was difficult for me last week. I wanted to hear my family's voices. I wanted to hear the microwave. I wanted to hear cars going by and so much more. All I hear are the speech sounds and high pitches noises. After the week I had, I could see where it would be easy to quit. It would be so easy to go back to my old life. But I can't. I'm not a quitter. I've got to keep going. No excuses. My hearing speech teacher, Ann came back to Dayton this past weekend. She was only here for three days. In between her being here for her sister's surgery and my leaving for Texas to move my oldest son, we managed to find a block of time to be together for two hours. It was short but we made it happen. She knew I needed to see her. It was exactly what I needed. She was my teacher over 40 years ago and I hadn't seen her for over 30 years until this past April. Yet, she is still my teacher in every way without asking. She's been there for me these last few weeks.....always encouraging me. She believes in me.  I love Ann dearly and I am so grateful we found each other again. When I saw her on Friday, with her encouraging words I was able to reach deep down inside my heart and believe in myself again. No excuses. I had an adjustment that Friday and she went with me. Over the weekend I became aquainted with new sounds. Voices are still cartoonish but I am being patient. When I was at the Atlanta airport for a four hour layover, I found it it was very noisy! Lots of high pitch sounds with people wheeling their luggage by. It is a very busy airport.  I had a massive headache and after three hours and taking much ibuprofen and Tylenol, I decided to give my brain a break by taking it off. I was proud of myself for keeping it on that long at the airport. While I helped Chris move, I was hearing different sounds in his apartment and he helped me figure out where they were coming from. He has a deadbolt lock on his apartment lock and I could hear the key turn the lock every time. While we were sorting through his stuff, he was going through his magazines to throw away. I kept hearing squeaky noises. It took me awhile to figure it out but it was the sound of him turning the pages! After we got done with the move, we decided to stop at a Barnes and Nobles to relax a little before heading back to the hotel. It was quiet in the bookstore but I kept hearing quiet high pitch noises but couldn't figure out where the source was coming from. Chris had to listen and then he tells me I am hearing little kids' voices from another part of the store! See, my family is every part of this learning process with me. They have to really listen because most of what I am hearing are sounds they have tuned out over the years. It is amazing to watch Todd and the kids listen to sounds for me because they have tuned them out and they are in awe when they realize what I am now hearing are sounds they have taken for granted. I have noticed my brain has adapted over the last few days. What has sounded so high in the beginning is not so high now. It is not as annoying. At first, I thought something was wrong with my battery. I changed my battery twice and I still had to turn the volume up. I had an "aha" moment! My brain is adapting. I felt pretty good about that. That means I can add more to my next adjustment this Friday. Today, I decided to overcome my fear of going on a run. Four days before my ear was turned on, I was attacked by a dog while I was on a walk in my neighborhood which required me to go to the hospital for stitches. It was a pretty bad wound and it frightened me since I did not hear the dog until it was too late. I was trying to work my way up to running again as I was nearing the end of my recovery from surgery when this attack happened. Two weeks passed. I woke up today and decided I would do this today. No excuses. It was a beautiful morning with the leaves changing and I armed myself with pepper spray. It felt so good to run again. I turned my hearing aid off a few times during my run to just listen with the implant. I kept hearing a soft whistling noise at times and I realized it was myself breathing hard! Since it was a little chilly my nose would start to run.....I could hear myself sniff. As I was running I kept hearing squeaky noises and realized it was the crushing sound of the fall leaves as I ran through the piles. I purposely ran through some more pile of leaves just to listen to that sound. :) I would hear small beeps but couldn't figure out what they were. I am guessing they might have been birds chirping. I later told Todd he needs to sit outside with me to listen to birds to see if that was what I was hearing. It was a good day of listening and learning. I am feeling more and more confident in myself each day. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life but it is getting easier each day. I've learned I have to crawl before I walk and walk before I run.....I know I can do this and my reward will be greater in the long run. No excuses......

Monday, October 1, 2012

Baby steps......I did it today!!!

I did it!! I went to my appointment today at 4pm. My anxiety level was so high all day and I literally thought I was going to throw up when I got there. I was so scared of putting it back on....and getting that electrocuted feeling. That was my fear. I overcame my fear when I stepped in the room. I only took Todd with me this time. He was my calming force. My audiologist was very reassuring. We started all over from scratch. I was able to focus much better on listening to the beeps without having too many people in the room. I love my family dearly but this was a much better way to go for me. I had no pressure.....I readjusted my attitude and lowered my expectations. She went through the beeps first and got me to the lowest level. She also set it at a lower pace. It is firing at lower pace rather than rapidly. Then she turned it on. Wow.....much better! I didn't get the jolt. I just got an electrical sensation. I am much more comfortable. I listened. I heard her voice. I heard the S sound. Sssssssss. :) And ch ch ch like in cheese. I heard Todd clap. Everything sounds mechanical but that's okay. My brain is adapting now to these new sounds. Over time it will sound natural. I have many visits of adjustments to come. But I am really happy with today! Definitely a HUGE difference from Friday. I have no metallic taste in my mouth anymore. My body is not tense anymore. I'm not bracing for the "surge". It is now very comfortable. I left the office feeling very happy and elated. I'm on my way! Todd and I got in the car. I heard the keys jangling! We got home and as I was walking up to the back door I asked Todd, what is that noise? He said, you really heard that? It was the horn on the key remote from when he locked my car! I walked on the patio. There are leaves all over the patio. As my shoes moved the leaves I could hear a swishing sound. I asked Todd if the leaves made that noise and he said yes. Wow. I came in the house and talked to the kids. They were making all kinds of noises to test me out. :) It's all mechanical now but like I said, this is the first day. We know it is working.....my brain is getting stimulation. I texted my Mom and Dad right away. My Mom said she was crying and my Dad said said he got the chills. They were both extremely happy for the good news. I started to make dinner. I got the Pam spray out to spray my dish. And I heard the spray!!!! Matt was standing next to me watching me. He looked at me puzzled when I made a look on my face and I said Matt, does that spray sound like a whistle? He said yes. Wow! Amazing. I couldn't stop smiling after that. I feel like I can do this now. I know I can! My next appointment is Friday for another adjustment. We will keep increasing the levels to allow my brain to adapt. I am told each day gets better. Now I'm excited to hear how tomorrow sounds!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Practice, Patience, Persistence, Prayer.......

This morning I have come up with a new mantra.....the 4 P's for my new hearing journey.....practice, patience, persistence and prayer. I will repeat this in my head over and over. I've got to do this.....I know I CAN.
I asked my Mom to post an update on my facebook on the date of my activation because I knew my family and friends were waiting for an update and I did not want to leave anyone hanging. I wasn't ready to talk or write that day. My emotions were raw. The depths of my emotions that day brought me to an unimaginable place. A place I didn't want to be.
I will describe the "turn on" of my ear the best way I can. My audiologist went through all 24 electrodes in my cochlea on the computer first before turning my ear on. Each electrode is a different pitch/frequency. I had to tell her when each beep was comfortable or loud and she would go lower. She had to get to the threshold level to make it as comfortable as possible for me when my ear was turned on. I had 8 people in the room.....my family....Todd, my children, my Mom, my Dad and his wife. The pressure I put on myself was tremendous. I realize now it was too great. I had the pressure of not only my expectations but my worry of my family's expectations of when it was turned on. I went in there with high expectations. Too high. I thought I would go in there and voila, I would hear sounds like I do with my hearing aids but with greater enhancement and clarity. I did not go in there thinking it was a process. That was my fault. I was hugely disappointed. I wanted to hear voices. I wanted to hear the knock on the desk. But every sound was a beep or brain "surge". My audiologist told me this is a process. This is not what I will hear later. The brain has to adapt first. Each sound will sound like a beep and over time the brain will adapt to the sound and it will become a meaningful and clear sound. My cochlea has never been stimulated so it is stimulating my brain in a way that it never has. So that's why they have to start as low as possible and increase it with adjustments in the weeks and months to come. This is where I made my mistake.....I wanted it all the first day. Todd watched me closely.....he knows me so well. He told me later that he knew from my expressions on my face during the appointment that I would break down in the car. He was bracing for that. And sure enough, he was right. I got in my mom's car and had a meltdown. I was in a place I did not want to be. I was disappointed. I was sad. I was frightened. I was afraid this was all a mistake. The ride home was a long one. We pulled in my driveway and I had a second meltdown.  I was just feeling lost in my emotions. Todd, my Mom and Dad held me and comforted me. They enveloped me with their love. Over the next few hours, I was taking it off in 15-20 minute increments to allow my brain to adapt. I felt worse as the hours passed. The brain "surges" to each sound were too uncomfortable and intolerable.  I tried and tried. My stomach was hurting. I had a metallic taste in my mouth with each surge. My chest and face turned red. My body was tensed up because I was bracing for each surge. My anxiety level was through the roof. I tried to make out sounds but every sound whether it was high or low.....a paper dropping, a voice, a clap, silverware dropping was the same surge/electrical sound. I was increasingly getting frustrated. My gut feeling was telling me something was not right. I had it at the lowest setting and it should be at a comfortable level from what I was told. After much talk with my family, I decided not to wear it for the remainder of the weekend until I call on Monday to get in for another adjustment. I need to go as low as possible and work from there. I think maybe since my expectations were too high, I was asking for a level that was too much for my brain to handle. My Mom stayed with me until 11pm that night. She knows me and understands me so well. I needed her and she was with me. When she left, Todd and I stayed up until 1am just talking and exploring my feelings. He is my rock. I crashed in bed from all of the overstimulation that day. I woke up at 4am from a nightmare. I dreamed I was at my funeral of my old life. I woke up in a sweat and I was frightened. I didn't know what this meant and I was scared. I texted my oldest son, Chris in Texas later in the morning since no one was up. I told him about my dream. He told me it must have some meaning behind it......that it must have meant I was starting a new life. I was somewhat relieved and thinking maybe he is right. What a great insight from him. I reached out to my hearing speech teacher, Ann, from when I was young by email and told her my feelings and what I experienced the day before. She immediately responded and asked me to chat with her on instant message. I chatted with her for awhile. She told me I needed adjustments made and to call on Monday. She said to think of it like a wedding dress fitting. It will take several fittings to find the right "fit" for me. She told me to take a deep breath, relax, take it off my shoulders the rest of the weekend and start anew on Monday when I make the call. She told me she knows I can do this since she watched me learn under her wing from the time I was 2 years old. I got off the chat with her feeling relieved and somewhat better. But it also brought up emotions. Emotions of knowing I need to come to terms with my feelings, accepting that at the age of 44 I have to learn this as if I am a baby being introduced to sound and starting all over. I crawled into my bed, woke up Todd and had a good cry in his arms. He held me and comforted me. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to sort out my feelings, coming to terms with it and telling myself it's okay to have these feelings. I willingly received the support from my husband, my children, my parents, my teacher, and my best friend.  I prayed alot.....I know God is holding me up. He is strong for me when I am not. I know that prayers from everyone are lifting me up......I take great comfort in that. I can do this. I have to overcome my fear for tomorrow. I CAN do this and I WILL. "Practice, patience, persistence and prayer".......

Thursday, September 27, 2012

How will I ever sleep tonight??

Oh my gosh, my BIG day is here tomorrow!! My ear will be turned on! I cannot even describe in words how I've been feeling all week. I went back to work on Tuesday. I have been feeling awesome all week. I feel 100 percent healthy again. All of my headaches and tiredness went away. My energy level has skyrocketed this week. I've come across some trials this week and I've been tested but nothing and I mean, absolutely nothing can knock me down. God sustains me through everything! I'm focused on tomorrow......I am ready. Tomorrow will be a culmination of a true miracle that I have been waiting for all of my life. A miracle and a gift that I am so grateful to receive. I am so excited to have my family with me to witness this. My Mom and Dad, who gave me life and poured everything they had into me will share this beautiful moment with me. I know my Mom will cry a river of tears. :) Todd, my soulmate and my rock.....he and I have been linked steadfast and strong through all of this.......I am the luckiest woman alive and I can't wait to share this with him. I am taking Matt, Andrew and Hannah out of school.....they are truly excited for me! And I know that Chris, in Texas will be with me in spirit.....I can't wait to call him! I have a really amazing family.....I am truly blessed. And my friends......wow, I am so thankful for all of your support and encouraging words these last eight months!
So...... I've got major butterflies in my stomach but it's a good feeling! I am counting down the hours til 2:00pm. Stay tuned for my video tomorrow! :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Halfway there!!!

I woke up this morning and looked at my calendar on my fridge.....and realized I am halfway there. I am ten days post op and I have 10 more days until my ear is turned on! My eyes welled with tears. Tears of excitement, joy and anticipation. Tears of gratefulness.....there are no words to express how grateful I am of my gift from God. Everything that has happened along the way in my life leading up to today and all my tomorrows is all part of God's plan for me. What a beautiful thing to witness! I am just beyond grateful.
I had my post op appointment yesterday with Dr. Turner. When he walked in the room and saw me, he flashed a huge smile at Todd and I . I can tell he is excited for me. My immediate thought in my head was, does he realize the impact of his role in this life changing event for me? He is very pleased with my recovery. My incision and the inside of my ear looks great. I can now get my incision wet. I have no pain whatsoever. The only thing I have are headaches and tiredness but it is improving each day. He tells me my headaches are probably caused by my brain working harder to hear out of the other side with my hearing aid. He also tells me tiredness is normal coming off the anesthetic and surgery and I should be feeling good as new in a week. He tells me I can start exercising again but to wait another week before I start my running again. I am very happy. I give him my heartfelt thanks before I leave the room......I only hope he realizes how much I mean it.
Since today was a big day for me.....my halfway point.....I reflected on so much of my life leading up to today. Lots of emotions.....good ones. I think about how a very small part of the beginning of my life impacts a very big part of what is happening in the now of my life.

                                                                 My Mom and I

This photo of my Mom and I in the newspaper when I was almost three years old means so much to me. This small part of the beginning of my young life is HUGE to me.....I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the love, perserverance and dedication of my Mom and Dad. This is how I learned to lipread and talk.....by "feeling" the words on my Mom and Dad's faces. They spent hours with me each day....I would learn a word by "feeling" the word on their face and watching their lips. I would repeat the word by sounding it out and watching how they formed the word with their lips. There were no hand signs taught. This went on for many years along with speech therapy. Being able to hear some with my hearing aids is only a small fraction of why I am where I am today. I lipread and talk well because of the foundation my parents laid down for me when I was a young child. As a child, I had no idea how much work they poured into me. It was my "normal" and was a part of my daily life growing up. It was all I knew. As an adult and a Mom, I know now how much did everything in their power for their child, me, to teach me and give me a life as normal as possible so that I could grow and flourish. And that I did. I surpassed beyond what others told my Mom and Dad could be done. I am where I am today because of them and for that I will never, ever forget. Because of what they taught me, I know that I am prepared for when my ear is turned on! It won't be easy. It will be a hard and long road ahead of me.  But I'm strong and mentally prepared.....I can handle this. I went through years of training to "feel words" and I have the foundation to now "listen" to the words and new sounds when my ear is turned on. I know that I have tremendous support from my family and friends to help me with new sounds.....it will be amazing and I am so grateful that I have so many people rallying behind me.  Thank you Mom and Dad for always fighting for me and helping me get to where I am today.....I love you both.















Saturday, September 8, 2012

Day 2 post-op......feeling pretty good!

Todd and I arrived at Kettering Hospital at 10:45am on Thursday. The next two hours were spent asking me lots of health questions and prepping me for surgery. Dr. Turner came in to see me before they took me back. We both smiled at each other and I told him I was so excited and held his hand with thankfulfulness. I think he knew. I was putting all my trust in him and was grateful for his skilled hands that he was about to perform on me. I silently said a prayer for him and for God to guide him during the surgery and to be with me. I was very much at peace. The anesthesiologist came in and introduced herself. She explained what she would be doing and told me I would have a breathing tube during the surgery. She asked me if I had any loose teeth and I told her, "No. I better not because I'm a dental hygienist!" We laughed. Within minutes, they were injecting the sleepy juice in my IV and getting ready to wheel me into the operating room. Todd and I kissed and said our I love you's. Before I knew it, I was out and in recovery! When they woke me up in recovery, I started bawling like a baby. At that moment, I was just feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for what I just received. I kept asking where Todd was. I just wanted to see his face. After a half hour, they wheeled me into the post-op recovery room where Todd was waiting for me. We immediately hugged. I was so glad to see him and I could see the relief on his face. I was amazed at how quickly they sent me home. I was in recovery for only an hour. I responded so well that they said I could go home. My Mom was waiting for me at home. It was so good to see her face. She came to stay the night with me since Todd had to work that evening. I was so grateful she nursed Andrew and I. Andrew had just broken his ankle in his football game a few days prior! My dad stopped by with my prescriptions so that Todd could get some rest before going into work.  I was glad to see him. Hannah got off the bus at 4:20pm and I was so glad to see her.  She was happy to see me and we immediately hugged. I love my girl. I knew she worried about me all day in school. I was anxious to see Matt after he got off work. He sent me a loving text message from school just as I was on my way to the hosptital. I appreciated that and it warmed my heart. My Mom took care of my family and fixed them dinner while I rested. I got sick once. I wasn't feeling too bad other than the really bad headache I had. I think it was because the head bandage was wrapped too tight. I slept on the couch because it felt better to stay propped up. I decided to try ice on my head and boy, did that really help. I woke up every three hours to take a pain pill because of my headache. The first time I woke up, I saw my Mom on the other couch sleeping ( I told her to sleep in Chris's room) and I tried to stay quiet while opening the pill bottle so I wouldn't wake her. But she woke up instinctively every time I woke up and brought me a fresh bag of ice each time. I was grateful she was with me all night.....it was nice to have my Mommy take care of me. :) I woke up in the morning. I felt well rested. My Mom said she felt like I slept well. I was still feeling groggy but more alert. My head still hurt but I wasn't queasy anymore. I felt well enough to stop the pain pills after only 16 hours and rely on just Tylenol. I was ready to get the bandage off (my doctor said I could take it off the next day) and I waited until Todd got home from work. Both Todd and my Mom took the bandage off. I immediately felt better once it was off. I was amazed at how clean the incision was and how very little my hair was shaved off. My Mom was in awe. My surgeon did an excellent job. I was very happy. I rested on the couch the rest of the day. My brother, Jeff came to visit me. He brought me chicken noodle soup....it was the only thing that tasted good at the moment. Todd's mom came over early in the afternoon after my nap. She brought me flowers. My Mom left in the evening after Todd woke up. I was glad she stayed with me. My Dad visited me late in the evening. I fell asleep early at 10:30pm. I only woke up twice in the night to take Tylenol. I slept well. I woke up this morning feeling much more alert. I was still a little groggy but much more alert. I was feeling very pleased with my progress! I have no pain in my ear at all. Just a nagging headache. My head feels tight where the incision is and I can feel the bump where the magnet is. My recovery is going much better than I ever expected. I know it is attributed to myself getting healthy in the months prior to my surgery with running and eating healthy. Todd made me my favorite ginger tea and eggs just the way I like it for breakfast. It felt good to start feeling some normalcy. I took a shower. Then Todd washed my hair carefully not to get my ear or incision wet while I leaned my head back over the bathtub. I felt 100 percent better. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next two weeks but I wanted to get some fresh air on this beautiful day. I asked Todd to walk me to the end of the driveway and back. He held my hand the entire time and I appreciated him just being there for me. After that, I sat on my patio for a few minutes by myself basking in the sun. I love the warmth of the sun on my face. I sat there just really appreciating everything in my life and the gift from God that I received. I have completed this leg of my journey and now I just need to heal and take care of myself. I will wait patiently until the 28th.....when my ear is "turned on"!
 
 
 Excited!
Getting my sleepy juice before surgery
 
 
                                                                       Post-op
                                                                             
My incision

After washing my hair! :)
                                    
                                                        

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I am so thankful....

Oh my gosh, today has been a day full of anticipation and excitement! I had an awesome day at work today. It really helped pass the time. My boss, Dr H took our office staff out to lunch today and they gave me a really sweet card. I had a wonderful time with them.....they are all excited for me. I am so blessed to work with an awesome team.....they are like family to me.
My surgery is at 12:45pm tomorrow. I am a little nervous but more excited than anything. I really have a peace about all of this. And I feel very mentally ready. This is a lifelong dream of mine. I look forward to hearing my children's voices for the first time, all of my family's voices especially Todd's, listening to music, talking on the telephone (the very first person I will call is my son, Chris in Texas!), going to the movies, listening to sounds of nature, hearing the Sunday sermons and so much more!
I just want to say thank you to everyone for their love, support, encouraging words and prayers. It means the world to me. I love sharing my experiences with you and I will continue to share the rest of my exciting journey with you. I am so grateful beyond words......

Monday, September 3, 2012

It's like waiting for Christmas.......

I feel like a little girl waiting for Christmas to get here. I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm anxious and excited. I didn't think I was nervous but Todd made the comment yesterday that he can tell I'm a little nervous because I've gotten the nesting instinct. The planner in me has kicked in overdrive! With raising four children, I've always been a planner.....it creates a sense of calm in the chaos of our schedules. I love to make things easier for Todd because he puts in 60 hours plus in a week at work. He does so much to provide for our family So....I've been cleaning, getting all the laundry caught up, going to the grocery and making sure the bills are paid. I feel so much better. So yes, Todd is probably right, I am subconciously nervous. I need that sense of calm going into my surgery. Two days ago, I got a massage to help me relax and relieve some tension. I love my massages from Sue, a very dear friend of mine. She used to be my babysitter when I was young! I am very fond of her and it was a treat seeing her. It was just what I needed to relax. I also had a really cool conversation this last week with a gentleman my Mom introduced to me by Facebook. Dan had a cochlear implant seven years ago and he answered many of my questions. It was so helpful and he put some of my fears at ease. I was grateful for the correspondence and hope to meet him someday. It is a good thing I am working the next two days.....it will help pass the time. It is so crazy to think it's almost here. After eight months of waiting. God has a plan for me and I love watching it unfold.....

Friday, August 24, 2012

The miracle I am about to receive......

Today was my day off work. As I was going about my normal Friday routine of going to the grocery and catching up on laundry with only myself and my thoughts, the realization set in that I am only 13 days away from my surgery date. Like, I knew it all along that it was getting close but with the kids home for the summer I really didn't have time to think about it. They kept me busy. But today was my first day off alone without the kids since they started back to school last week. This morning it was like, BAM, I am having a life changing event happen in 13 days. I thought about it all day. The excitement is building up now. I was thinking to myself, how I started this process in January....almost 8 months ago. At the time, I thought September would take forever to get here. And now here it is, less than two weeks away. It went by so quickly and I am so thankful for my busy family life and "living" in each moment.....it made the wait all worthwhile.  I've been busy the last two weeks getting things done that I needed to have done before my surgery. My first priority was getting my right hearing aid retuned so that I could hear better. I had lost some hearing from my prior surgery and infection last year. Originally, I thought I would have to live with it but I was happy when my audiologist said she could retune my hearing aid to make up for my additional loss. She also decided that I would benefit better from a full ear mold rather than the partial one I had to trap the sound in better. So I had new impressions made. I went back last week to pick it up and had my final retuning done. Oh, so much better!! I feel like I hear as well as I did prior to my infection. This makes me feel so much better and more comfortable with the fact that I won't be able to hear for three weeks in the other ear while I am healing. My hearing is SO important to me so I am thankful my hearing aid was able to be fixed before the surgery. I also had my pneumovax vaccine done. It was required by my ent doctor before my surgery. Last but not least important, was ordering the color of my sound processor and choosing three accessories. I chose sand color for my processor to match my skin color. There were so many accessories to choose from. I chose two rechargable batteries on top of the two I will receive. Apparently, the batteries only stay charged for 2-3 days so that was very important to me to have a good battery supply on hand! The other accessory that I am really excited about is an audio cable. I will be able to connect my processor to an ipod to listen to music! How cool is that? Many people have asked me how a cochlear implant really works and thought I would share with you so that there may be a better understanding. First, my doctor will shave a small section of my hair behind my ear. He will make an incision behind the ear to allow access to the cochlea. There are two parts to the cochlear implant. One is internal, which is the implant itself. The other is external, which is a sound processor. The implant consists of a self curling electrode array designed to curve naturally inside the cochlea which will stimulate the hearing nerve. This array will have 22 electrodes to provide optimal sound clarity. This surgery will last up to 3 hours and it will be outpatient. I will have a healing time of three weeks before they put the sound processor on and "turn my ear on". My activation date is on September 28th. I also want to describe best as I can how natural hearing works compared to my hearing aid and the implant. With natural hearing, sounds enter the ear canal and travel to the eardrum. These sound waves cause the eardrum to vibrate which send the bones in the middle ear into motion. This motion is converted into electrical impulses by tiny hair cells inside the cochlea. These impulses are sent to the brain where they are perceived by the listener as sound. With my hearing aid, the microphone in the aid picks up the sound and sends it to the amplifier where it makes it louder. My hair cells inside my cochlea do not work as well (if at all) as one with natural hearing so that's why I cannot distinguish the many pitches that one can hear. My hearing aid amplifies sounds to make them louder but that doesn't always make them clearer. With an implant, the external sound processor captures the sounds, then filters and processes the sounds. It translates the filtered sounds into digital information which is transmitted to the internal part of the implant. This in turn converts it into elecrical electrical signals and sends them to the elecrodes inside the cochlea. These electrical signals stimulate the hearing nerve and bypasses the damaged hair cells  (which causes hearing loss) and allows the brain to perceive sound. It is amazing to learn how intricate and complex this system is. I have waited years for this miracle and I am so thankful to be able to receive this gift in my lifetime!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Less than one month away!!!!

Time is getting away from me quickly. I had no idea two months had passed since I wrote my last blog! I will be writing more frequently as I get closer to my surgery date on September 6th....I can't wait to share all of my experiences with you. It has been a busy summer for me which is a good thing.....I haven't had time to be anxious about waiting for the "big day". I am still running five days a week.....I love it. I feel healthier physically and mentally. I feel like running has helped me mentally prepare for this surgery. I am ready. Completely ready. I think about lots of things....how different my life will be and how I will get to experience many new "sounds". During the last few weeks, I noticed my family will say things from time to time about certain sounds, "when you get your cochlear, I can't wait til you hear....." so I know they are excited for me. My daughter, Hannah is very observant of many sounds and tells me she can't wait until I hear them with her. One day, when I was driving, she was next to me listening to the music on the radio. Her favorite band, One Direction comes on and she turns up the music. She sings along and really enjoys their music. I can hear the music but I can't understand the words because I need to lipread to know what the words are. Hannah stops midway through the song and turns the radio down, and says "Mom, I can't wait til you get your cochlear so you can hear how awesome this band is! You will love them!" She makes me smile as I see the excitement on her face. I would love to be able to take her to a One Direction concert and experience the music with her and enjoy it fully. I've always avoided concerts because I could never enjoy it completely like everyone else. I can remember to this day the last big concert I went to was Garth Brooks. He was Todd's favorite country singer many years ago and I went with him. I left very frustrated and disappointed because I couldn't understand the lyrics while everybody was singing along and having a great time. That was the last concert I ever went to. The only music I ever enjoyed in my life was the halftime music on the football field in high school. I was on the drill team and I danced to the music on the field with the marching band. I truly loved it and it is one of my very favorite high school memories. I loved strutting my stuff on the field with my marching boots, uniform and pom poms. It was the one thing I felt so a part of and fully enjoyed. It was my kind of music because of the loud drum beats. I could feel the vibrations of the beats on the field. It was powerful to me and I loved it. The beats really got to me in my heart. I could hear the other instruments in the background but could never distinguish which instrument it was by the sounds. The drums never failed me.....I always knew what the drums were. It was my favorite sound. We had to follow 8 counts in our dance routine and it followed along with the drum beats. When I first tried out for the drill team, many judges doubted that I would be able to follow along. I proved them wrong and was so grateful for the chance. It was so easy for me to follow the 8 count and listen to the drum beats. I had the best time of my life dancing with my friends on the football field for all three years of my high school. I have always wanted to come back and dance on the field on Alumni night. It is my dream to have my drill team friends come back home and dance with me on the field and fully experience the music with me when I have my cochlear implant. Music is one of the many new sounds I am really looking forward to experiencing. What a ride this is going to be and I can't wait!  Until next time......










Monday, June 11, 2012

A time of personal growth......

I just realized this week I have been away from writing my blog for over a month now. Oh, how the time flies. So much has happened in the last month.....not so much with events but more with me personally. Since the date was set, I have had lots of feelings to sort through. Initially, there were feelings of fear, uncertainty, excitement and curiosity.....so many emotions rolled into one. I wasn't sure how to handle this one. But with each day passing,  I found myself in deep reflection on my life. So many things in my life are changing and I wanted to find a way to embrace these changes. As I've said before, I do not do well with changes or going out of my comfort zone. But I was ready to try. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and so many things. I have always enjoyed being those roles and I still do.....they are so important to me. They always will be. I have taken the time in the last month to really reflect on all of those things. In that time, I have found me again. I am Lisa. I wanted to feel myself again. I had lost myself in those roles. It may sound selfish but I needed to find myself again. Three weeks ago, I took up my love of running again. I had forgotten how much I loved it because I had been away from it for so long.....many years. It has been so freeing. An hour to myself five days a week....it was MY time! I've had a million thoughts run through my head as I run each day but it's been so liberating. I've found that it's okay to step away from my roles and focus on me. I am becoming a better wife and mother because I am allowing myself to be Lisa. I am getting healthier in the process not only physically but mentally. I've always thought I was blessed with my life but as I run I have really had time to think and appreciate my blessings even more. I am truly blessed to be married to the love of my life, my high school sweetheart for 23 years this August. Todd is my rock, my best friend, my everything. He has joined me in my personal quest to get healthy again. We are teammates. It feels so good to have a teammate by my side.....my soulmate. Our marriage has come alive again. He is excited to share my journey with me and I have realized how lucky I am to have him by my side as I go through these experiences. I have four beautiful children. All of them are unique and special in each way.....I love my relationships with them. I am extremely blessed to have close relationships with each of them. I value them and I as I run and reflect on that, I am reminded of the blessings I have received. They are truly God's gifts to me. It makes me happy to know they are with me on this journey. As I run each day, I find myself feeling healthier, happier, grateful, free, peaceful and so much more.  I have found peace with my decision. I can't explain it. There is no more fear. No more uncertainty. I am feeling really good and just at peace with what is to come. I am getting more excited each day and think of all the possibilities to come. My surgery is three months away......so close. I know God has a plan for me. I don't fight the current.....I row my paddle along with it gently down the stream. Everything is happening the way it's supposed to! As I go over each wave I find something new and embrace it. There is a reason my surgery is in September. I was given this time for reflection and still continuing to. I will be strong physically and mentally.....and I will be ready and prepared for one of the biggest days of my life. I LOVE me, Lisa and I LOVE the life I was richly blessed with! I am grateful for the time of personal growth that is being given to me.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The BIG date is set!!!

September 20th is the BIG day. The day I will get a cochlear implant in my left ear. The day my life will change as I know it. I found out on Monday. Yes, three days ago. You wonder why I didn't shout it out from the rooftops that day? I wondered that myself also. All the weeks leading up to the day I would find out, I imagined how excited I would be and how I would be so excited to tell the world about it. My reaction was certainly different than my imagination. The last three days I've been sorting through lots of feelings that I'm having and I still am. I never thought I could feel so much at once. I am excited and happy but along with that comes uncertainty, fear and curiosity. Uncertainty of the unknown. Fear of change. Curiosity of how it's all going to unfold for me. I'm 43 years old. I've been hearing impaired all of my life. That's all I know. In one day that will change in the blink of an eye. Like many of us, I have my comfort zone. I'm going way out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't want to but it's not an easy task. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Am I up to it? Yes, of course I am. I did years of training when I was little and I can do it again. That's the easy part. The hardest part for me will be changing what I've known for 43 years to something so new. I will still be the same Lisa. My personality won't change but I know in some ways I will change. I wrote a letter to my Mom and Dad last week. I wanted them to know how grateful I am to have them as parents, for them to have been so deeply involved in teaching me from a very young age and for giving me the tools I needed so I could be where I am today. I know where I came from. I'm proud of myself and who I am. I am glad I am hearing impaired.  It doesn't make me "me" but it is a part of who I am. God gave me a gift when I was born and I'm about to receive another gift. I have a purpose and I know that now. I took a huge leap of faith in the beginning of all of this. I've learned so much in the last ten weeks. I've learned about patience, faith, trust, gratitude and most of all LOVE. I'm ready for this.....ready as I will ever be. September seems far away but yet so close. It was the first available date they had. Some wonder if I'm sad that it's five months away.....not at all. It's all part of this journey I'm on. It's how it's supposed to be. As many of you know, I am a summer girl. I can't wait to enjoy this summer like never before! My Mom and I are still working on our book.....I will be writing lots until then. My oldest will graduate from college in Texas two weeks after my surgery. My husband and my other three children will keep me busy as always. My life is richly blessed and until the "big" day, I will continue to live in each moment. What more can I ask for?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

To the most important teacher in my life: "I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom" ~Author Unknown........

Today was an AMAZING day! And how fitting it was, as I am embarking on a new chapter of my life. As I began this journey, my mind kept going back to some very important people in my life. One person I thought about so often and more so now than ever, was a very special teacher. She had such an impact on my life because I am where I am today because of her, along with my parents. She taught me how to lipread so well. She gave my parents the skills and lessons to work with me at home. I lost touch with her over the years and she had moved to Texas. I had to find Ms. Ann. I searched through Facebook. I found her name but there was no profile picture.....she does not like to have her picture taken :)  I sent a private message to her in hopes that she was the one I was looking for. She responded! I was thrilled. Over the next few months, she would read my blogs. She was excited for me. I prayed one day I would get to see her again and show my gratitude.  She emailed me in March and told me she was coming to Dayton in April to visit her sister and hoped we could meet. My prayers were answered! I had wanted this for so long. It had been 32 years since I had seen her! My Dad, my Mom and I met with her at Mimi's Cafe this afternoon. I was so anxious all morning and just couldn't wait. I walked into the lobby and there she was standing there. After all these years, I recognized her face especially her lips. We hugged each other so tightly. It took everything I had to hold my tears back. My heart was so full of gratitude for this woman, this very special teacher and I hoped she knew. We talked for almost three hours. Nonstop. We talked about my upcoming cochlear surgery and reminisced over the days of her teaching me. She taught me from the age of two until I was eight years old. I saw her three days a week for an hour each time. She worked with me in a group setting and privately. She taught me how to lipread by feeling her voice with my hand, by teaching me how form the sounds of each letter in the alphabet, by vibrations of the floor in response to her voice and by repeating words and sentences after her over and over. Week after week for many years, my parents drove me to Dayton to see her.......they never gave up. I am forever grateful to my parents who believed in me. Ms. Ann believed in me. She was told  I would never get past 4th grade level and that I should not be in public schools. Ms. Ann worked with me until I perfected my lipreading and language skills. My parents never gave up and they fought hard for me. My Mom put up a little fight for me to start kindergarten in the Kettering City Schools. They told my Mom I belonged in a deaf school. She refused to back down and she prevailed. I was taught well by Ms. Ann and I was ready for kindergarten. She moved away when I was eight years old and I continued my speech therapy in the schools twice a week. While I was talking with her today, I could feel the love from her. I could tell she was so proud of me and the woman I have become. She was happy that I was happy. She was happy that my parents were there and that they are still supportive of me in every way. As we got up to leave and my parents walked ahead of us, she looked at me and told me I had the best parents and I just knew what she meant. They did everything in their power for their child, me, because they believed in all of the possibilities for me. We hugged goodbye and said "I love you". When I walked back to the car with my Mom, I broke down in tears because I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Ms. Ann and her role in my life. It is my only hope that she knows how much. I love you Ms. Ann.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The best news today......

After waiting almost nine weeks I finally have my answer.....I am APPROVED!!!!
I woke up this morning so excited to go on my daughter Hannah's field trip to the Cincinnati Zoo. It was a beautiful day.....so gorgeous. I loved riding the school bus with her class and another chaperone, a very dear friend of mine. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and was feeling blessed all day. This is Hannah's last year in elementary school so it was very bittersweet for me. As I walked through the zoo with Hannah and my group, I was savoring every moment with her watching her laughs and smiles. Hannah and I share a very special bond and I am so grateful for it. She and I can steal looks at each other and we don't need words to speak our love for each other. We just know it and feel it. It was a great day.  I came home and Todd was awake. I had this peaceful feeling so I asked him to call Anthem to check on the status. The last two weeks were frustrating and probably the longest waiting time for me. Two weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from Anthem saying the implant device was approved. I cried tears of joy and I was elated. But before I got too excited, I had Todd call my ENT office to confirm this. They said yes, the device was approved but they needed two codes. There was only one code in the letter which was for the device. They needed the other code for the surgery itself. My heart sank. I was quickly brought back to reality. More waiting. I waited a week. Last Monday, we called Anthem to check on the status. They told Todd they were still waiting on the code from my office. I called my office and they said sent the code. Ugh. There was a miscommunication along the lines somewhere so we asked them to please follow up on it. I thought I would give it until Wednesday to call Anthem. Wednesday and Thursday passed. I didn't feel the need to call. Then today I woke up feeling really great and just felt peaceful all day. So, when I asked Todd to call Anthem today I wasn't feeling anxious at all. It was a different feeling. I was ready. Todd makes the call and I'm watching his lips very intently. He writes all these numbers down. And I hear him say, "so this is the authorization code for approval of both the device and surgery?" and then he smiles. I just knew! My eyes start tearing up. I couldn't believe it!! I am approved! My heart just burst with joy! He immediately called my ENT office and talked to the scheduler. Even though he had the authorization code, she said we had to wait until we get the letter with the second code before we could set a surgery date. It's okay! I will probably get the letter tomorrow or the first of the week. What's another few days, right? I am elated. A huge weight has been lifted and I can relax. If anything, I have learned so much about patience and trust the last nine weeks. It was definitely an emotional rollercoaster for me and I was ready to get off but with each passing day, I learned how to be more patient. I learned so much about trusting in God's plan for me. The last few weeks, I noticed if I got frustrated or discouraged I was able to tell myself, there is a reason for whatever happened and I was able to trust in Him wholeheartedly. He is handpicking everything for me! How amazing is that? Today is Good Friday....the day He died for me....what an ultimate act of love. I am so humbled and so thankful.

Friday, March 30, 2012

The sounds of nature through my eyes.......

This week is Spring Break for my kids. Monday was my day off work. Hannah had her best friend, Chloe spend the night. It was a gorgeous spring day. Although there was a little chill in the air, the sun is shining and the sun feels warm as I step out on the patio. I was trying to think of something free or cheap to do with the girls. I yearned to be outside since I have a love affair with the sun..... then it hit me. I go back inside and I ask the girls, "What do you think about going hiking today and then going to Rita's afterwards?" Their eyes widened with excitement and they hurry to change into long pants and get their shoes on. We make the drive to the Bill Yeck Park in Sugarcreek Reserves. I hear the girls chattering away in the back seat. I glance in my rearview mirror occasionally and I catch the sweet and innocent smiles on their face as they talk intently with one another. We arrive at the park and make our way down the long steps toward our two hour long hike. I am a few steps ahead and I hear them talking with excitement. Hannah tells me she remembers hiking here before. I asked Chloe if she has hiked here before and she tells me this is her first time hiking and I could sense the excitement in her voice. I knew this would be a good day with the girls. As we walk along, I feel the warmth of the bright sun on my face. It was just enough to take the chill off. The sky is blue. Everything is starting to bloom. As we make our way to the trail we hop around the muddy areas of grass being careful not to get our shoes soaked and muddy. As I walk along the trail, I see signs of life....the yellow grass turning to shades of green, the viny plants starting to grow, the little blooms on the branches of the trees, the water rushing swiftly along the creek, birds flying freely in the air......spring is here! This day almost iconic to me. I see spring as a new birth, a new season, in other words.....a new life. I'm thinking to myself as I see new life coming anew through nature, my life is changing in that very same sense. I imagine myself getting the cochlear implant and how everything will change. It will be a new life. I sometimes wonder if I will be like a butterfly making its way out of its cocoon ready to explore the world. I'm excited. I can't wait. Along the walk, I wonder about the sounds of nature. I wonder what it will be like to hear the grass crunch underneath my shoes as I walk. I can only imagine it to sound like paper crumpling. I think to myself how cool it would be to understand some of what the the girls are saying without lipreading as they walk behind me. There is a little wind in the air. I wonder to myself if I will hear the wind better. I imagine it to be like a whooshing sound or maybe a gentle blowing sound. The girls throw stones in the creek. I hear small splashes but I wonder how it really sounds sometimes. I imagine it to sound like big smacks against the water or big drips. We edge our way to the creek. There are big stepping stones across the creek. I sit down on a large rock on the side of the creek as the girls sit on the rocks in the middle of the creek. I watch them dig in the water with sticks and play with the water. Hannah looks up at me and smiles. I asked Hannah if Chloe knows what is happening with me. Chloe looks up confused and says, "What?" I asked her if her Mom told her what was going to be happening with me soon and she still looks confused. Hannah tells Chloe, "my mom is going to be getting a cochlear so she can hear. " Chloe exclaims "Oh my gosh, congratulations!" and smiles at me. So I get into a conversation with them about sounds of nature. I asked Hannah if she could hear the water rushing down the creek and she says,  "yes, it sounds very beautiful." I imagine it to sound very calming as it sloshes against the rocks. I talk about birds and crickets chirping and wonder how that sounds and Chloe pipes in and says "I heard a bird chirping today!" It was a really cool conversation to have with them and I tell them I want to bring them back here after I get my implant so I can hear all the sounds they are hearing. They both smiled at me and said "Oh yes!" We get up and make our walk back to the car. I think how amazing it would be to come back with the girls and experience the sounds of nature in a whole new way. My Mom once told me that I have a very keen sense of observation and that is one thing I know will never change after my implant. I often wonder what it will be like to hear sounds of nature not only through my eyes but my ears also.......like a butterfly, I'm excited to make my way to explore this new world of beautiful sounds! Hopfully my approval letter will come very soon........

Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Be still and know that I am God".....

I know it has been awhile since my last post. So much has happened the last few weeks. It has been a little over six weeks since my doctor's office submitted the request for my cochlear implant to my insurance company. The first few weeks flew by for me as I kept busy with the winding down of my boys', Matt and Andrew's wrestling season. Those weeks were lifesavers for me because I didn't have time to think about waiting for an approval. I just thought one day I would be surprised to get the letter in the mailbox when I least expected it. That was for sure.....it came on a day that I least expected it and it was not the letter I wanted. Three weeks ago, my son Matt wrestled at the high school state tournament at Ohio State in Columbus. All of our family were there.....we were all thrilled and excited to be sharing this with him for the second time in his high school wrestling career. In a matter of a day, it all changed. It went from high emotions of excitement to moments of heartbreak and scariness. Matt had an infection behind his knee earlier in the week and it developed into cellulitis. It spread so fast within hours of the state tournament. It was so hard for me as a Mom to watch my son suffer heartbreak as he lost the match to place by one point. He fought as long as he could with the pain he had. He knew before the match he had to go to the hospital regardless if he won or lost. What we thought would be just a few hours in the hospital turned out to be almost four days. It was much more serious than we thought and Matt ended up having surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics for three days. I learned alot that weekend. I learned about perserverance.... how hard he perservered through pain was an amazing thing for me to watch, although so heartbreaking. I witnessed God's grace through many events that unfolded that weekend. We were so blessed to have so many friends in our wrestling community rally behind Matt and our family. After almost 4 days he was able to come home. My oldest, Chris had flown in from Texas that same weekend to spend his spring break at home. I was so elated all of us would be home together that week and couldn't wait to get home. The day we came home from the hospital, I flipped through my mail. I see an envelope from Anthem and opened it thinking it was another claim form. It was the letter I least expected. All I could see was the word "PENDED" in capital letters. My heart sank. I read the letter several times. I took it as being denied. I went into my room and cried a little. Or maybe alot. I texted my Mom and Dad. Todd knew I was disappointed but yet he remained hopeful. He reminded me that my audiologist said at the beginning this might happen and that it happens alot. My Mom and Dad were still being very positive and tried to be encouraging to me. At the time, I thought, okay, this will just be another week or so. I focused on Matt's recovery at home and cherished the time I had with Chris the remaining week. I kept busy at work the following week. I felt somewhat sad and alone in my thoughts each day. It was like I was in this whirlwind of activities for so many weeks then, whoa, it came to a halt. There wasn't anything for me to do but think. I was sad Chris had to leave. My mind would race and the planner in me would think all these thoughts of how I would plan my surgery date around our summer activities. I became focused on checking the mail everyday. It was consuming my thoughts and I became more discouraged each day. There were two days I slept alot. I think I was trying to escape how I felt. It was not like me and I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the way I was allowing it to play with my emotions. I poured out my feelings to Todd earlier this week.  He is my best friend and my rock. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He tells me I need to let it go and let it happen. I am reminded God is in control. As a mom, I like to plan things and make things easier around our many activities, as I think most moms are, and as much as I would like to be in control, really.....I am not. God is in control. Today has been a tearful one for me. Not tears of sadness, but tears of realization and thankfulness. I realized today I had been cramming my days with activities to take the focus off of waiting for my approval. I wanted to be surprised and get that letter in the midst of all my activities. I was trying to control how I wanted it to happen. Today, I came across Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." Wow, I feel like God is telling me something. My world was busy and all of a sudden it's not.....it's so easy to get caught up in it. Maybe this was His way of telling me to take time out, draw near Him, to pause and know that He is God. It is only in stillness, when every other voice is hushed, that we can hear the voice of God. Be still, and know. He wants me to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I am so thankful for a faithful God who loves me and knows my plan before I do!





Sunday, February 19, 2012

Another week passes.....thank goodness I am a busy Mom!

It has been one week since I was told I am a candidate. I am still waiting to hear from my insurance company. My doctor submitted it two weeks ago so I keep thinking it could be four more weeks or any day now. I keep imagining what it will be like to get that letter in the mail. I'm still feeling excited but at the same time I am keeping myself so busy that I'm not letting the waiting consume my thoughts. I had a really good week and it went by so quickly. On Tuesday, the day after I was told I was a candidate I was feeling so good.....it was like an euphoric feeling. I was floating on air all day. I think it was the sense of knowing what the answer was and just the sense of relief that came with it. The weeks leading up to that day of finding out were so long . It was the not knowing and the wondering that made it seem like forever, I think. Now that I know, I have this sense of peace. Quite a different feeling than I've had in a long time. I just have this peace of knowing I can deal with whatever comes my way. Whether it's good or bad, I know now that I can just step over that stone. I can deal with it and move on. Obstacles are not the end of the world. They are there to test your strength, to persevere and to learn from them. I believe everything happens for a reason.  I can certainly say that I have had many obstacles in my lifetime but I am a better and stronger person because of them. I am learning it is much easier to overcome the obstacles when I simply don't get caught up in the moment. Hard to do for many of us including me. It is so easy at times not to see past what is put in front of you at the moment but I try to envision that whatever obstacle comes my way will pass. It will.  Faith moves me forward. I am still amazed at all the events that led up to today. God has a plan for me! One thing that I have learned in the last few weeks is just to live in the moment. Before, I would rush to get to the end result of whatever I wanted. I am learning to live in each moment as I experience this journey. I love it! I love this change in how I feel. As I said in my previous post, this waiting will teach me a thing or two about patience. For sure. I am already feeling it. I have truly enjoyed this week. Work has kept me busy all week. My coworkers are so happy for me. I love being with my family in the evenings. Thank goodness I was busy most of the weekend at my son, Matt's sectional wrestling tournament. It was a great weekend. He was sectional champ! This was one weekend I truly enjoyed being around my wrestling family. I am living in the moment. I feel my relationship with Todd strengthening more so lately. His support means so much to me. He encourages me through all of the emotions I am experiencing on this journey. As I look back, I always put my family first before myself at whatever cost. It almost seems weird that my feelings are shifting as I go after my dream. I am realizing it is okay to do something for myself. I am realizing that I am worthy of this and deserve it. It's not shifting our family dynamic at all that Mom wants to do something for herself! If anything, it is strengthening our family. I am just amazed at how incredibly blessed I am to have my husband and four children by my side. I got a really nice email from my Mom this week. She told me how proud of me she was and how excited and happy she was to be sharing this with me. I know she also worries at times for me but that's part of being a Mom. She was not sure how I would be feeling the next day after finding out I was a candidate and was relieved to hear that I was feeling excited. She told me she wondered if the change I imagine that comes with a cochlear would mean a loss of the kind of life I've had. Not a sad loss but it will be a change. It won't change the person I am but it will be a huge change for me. Wow, that certainly made me think alot about that this week. I am sure I will experience some of those feelings. But I won't know until I actually experience it. As my Mom said, my hearing aids, lipreading, voice, focus and keen sense of observation are all so much a part of me. Very true. I know I won't change as a person. I will still be me. I imagine that all of what my Mom described will be enhanced by the cochlear. I can imagine that I will be able to achieve so much more with it......the possibilities are endless! But this also reminds me of others closest to me......of their emotions and feelings as they experience this with me. I am sure my Mom and Dad are going through their own set of emotions. I can only imagine what they are feeling as they are watching their daughter go through this journey. I am sure it is scary in some ways. Their feelings are just as raw and real as mine are. But I'm feeling so close and connected to them now as never before.
Looking forward to another good week of learning, experiencing......and LIVING in each moment.







Monday, February 13, 2012

And another door opens today......I am a candidate!!

My head has been swimming all day.....it still seems unreal. I can't believe it! What a long week it was for me. I kept myself busy all week in hopes of the week passing by quickly. I never in my life wished for a Monday to come ever so swiftly. That is so unlike me.....I savor my weekends and want them to last. However, just this once I had very good reason.  I tossed and turned all night. As anxious as I was, this was one morning that I really had to drag myself out of bed. So many thoughts were running through my head. I took my shower, got ready and made my coffee. I had an hour to kill.....that was the longest wait for my Mom to arrive. I am always busy.....always finding something to do around the house. But this time I just could not. I sat in the chair in my family room. The tv was off. There was complete silence. All I could do at the moment was just sit still in silence and smell the aroma of my coffee. I start to shed some tears. Then I feel a peace envelope me. I am ready to go and hear what my doctor has to say about the results of the testing and cat scan. My Mom finally arrives and we leave for my appointment. My Dad is waiting for me in the waiting room. It means so much to me to have my parents with me on this monumental day.....they fought so hard for me from the time they found out about my hearing loss when I was eight months old. And here I am 43 years later.....they're still rooting for me. I am grateful beyond words of the tremendous support I have from my family. I walk back into my doctor's office with my parents behind me. After Dr. Turner examines my ears he goes over the results with me. He tells me I am a candidate! I smile at my Mom and Dad. I see joy on their faces. Dr. Turner asks me if I had a choice, which ear would I prefer to have the implant in. I tell him my right ear because of my declining loss from the infections I had. He said either ear could be done but it was his high recommendation that we do my left ear, my good ear. He discussed the many reasons with my parents and I, but the most important being that he did not want to put me in further risk with the recurrent infections I keep having in my right ear. He says there is no significant difference in hearing loss between both ears so it would not make a huge difference in which ear was done. In my mind, I'm thinking I've always favored my right ear and wanted to make it better. I don't know if it's because I am right handed. I am feeling uncertain and ask him many questions. He takes the time to answer all of our questions. In the end, I decide I am very comfortable in trusting in his experience and expertise. We decide the left ear is best. I am still trying to let it sink in when he tells me that from the results I have zero to two percent understanding without lipreading and can get up to 65 percent! Without lipreading! I cannot imagine it. I've relied on it all of my life....it is my language. I still can't believe it when he said I may lose some of my lipreading skills because I won't need to rely on it as much. Amazing. I leave the office with every emotion you can imagine. I never thought I could feel such a wide range of emotions all at once. My parents are so excited for me. We all leave to go to Applebee's for lunch. My Dad's wife, Wendy meets us there. I'm excited to share the news with her. She looks at me and says, from the smiles on all of your faces I take it as good news. I say yes and we hugged. She is happy for me. I am so lucky to have her in my life. She rallies behind me in everything I do. The support system I have with my family is unbelievable. I can't wait to share the news with the rest of my family. Todd works third shift so I am anxious to tell him the news when he gets up. I text Chris in Texas knowing he is in school but would respond when he could. It wasn't but a few minutes when he texts me, "Yay!". I text Matt in school and knew he would get back to me during his lunch hour. He responded quickly and texts me, "Sweet. That is so awesome!". When I pick Hannah up from school, I sat in the car with her and told her of the news. She exlaimed, "Oh!" and grabs my arm with excitement. I patiently wait for Andrew to text me back when he is close to his bus stop. He normally walks home but I pick him up today. I share with him the news. He smiles at me and says, "Cool!". All of my children's responses were different but they mean so much to me in every way. I am getting impatient waiting for Todd to wake up because I can't wait to tell him. He finally wakes up. I share the good news with him and he tells me, "I just knew it."  He gives me a hug and a kiss as he pours his coffee. Then he tells me to tell him everything that happened today. He is so excited for me. I spend the rest of the day processing it all. It's happening! Now the waiting game begins.....the approval from my insurance company. It can take up to six weeks. They say if all goes well, I can be looking at the end of May or early June for my surgery date. I am not a very patient person when it comes to waiting so I'm sure I will learn a thing or two about patience! Every day on this journey I am learning so much about myself. I am allowing myself to experience every imaginable emotion and to embrace them. Each incident is a stepping stone for me.....the doctor's visits, the cat scan, the testing, the results, the wait and so on. It's like I'm in this long hallway and God just keeps opening doors for me. I walk through each door with joy and thankfulness that He is showing me that I can trust in Him and not be afraid. What a gift!
As I said to my Mom before she left today, "Here we go!"..........











Monday, February 6, 2012

Final testing today......

A week ago today I had my cat scan done. The cat scan is done to check the anatomy of the bone structures in my inner ear. I remember feeling excited that morning on my drive to downtown Dayton. I felt like things were moving forward and that I was one step closer. I kept myself busy all week because the anticipation of the final day of testing was building. I woke up this morning feeling excited and nervous. I looked outside and it was a gorgeous and sunny morning. I took a shower and as I was getting ready I decided to pause for a moment and open my bathroom window. I propped my elbows on the windowstill and just stared outside. The sky was so blue. The sun was shining so bright on my face. The fresh air and slight breeze just felt so good. I was thinking this is the day the Lord hath made....I was grateful and glad for this glorious day. I was ready for today. I finished getting ready and anxiously awaited for my Mom to make her 2 hour drive to be with me. Before my appointment, we go to Applebee's for lunch. We have so many things to talk about.....we pore over the many ideas we have for our book. I am so excited to finally set things in motion for the book we are going to write together about our life experiences and challenges from the time I was born. I intently listen to some of her memories of when I was born.....some of which I had never heard before. I can't wait to hear more as we go along in the book. I am just in awe of what my parents went through for me......I am where I am today because of them. It is a powerful conviction of their love for me.
It was time for my final test. This was a hearing test with my hearing aids in to determine if I am a candidate for a cochlear implant. I sat in a soundproof booth in front of a speaker. My audiologist, Mary Beth, told me there would be a series of three tests. The first was with static sounds. I was to raise my hand each time I heard the noise. It was done with both hearing aids in at the same time then one at a time with each aid alone. The second test was with a man and woman's voice speaking sentences. I was to repeat any words I could hear WITHOUT lipreading. During this test, I was feeling very frustrated. All I could hear was a mumble of many words. I tried so hard to make out the words. The third test was with a male voice that said ready then one word. I was to repeat any words that I could make out. I still could not make out the words. I could hear the sounds but not make out the words. I became more frustrated and realized right there and then how much I really relied on lipreading to make out the sounds of words. I did the very best I could. The test lasted 45 minutes. Mary Beth opened the door of the soundproof booth and I looked at her and said, "That was so frustrating for me. " She told me, "Lisa, I know it's hard and I felt bad telling you to do this test without lipreading but remember, this is a test to see if you are a candidate. This is a test you do not want to do good on." I'm thinking to myself, she's right but in my mind I strive to be the best I can be everyday and I didn't like that feeling of not being able to make out the words. I didn't like that I failed.  But.....I only allowed myself to feel that very briefly. As I walk down the hall to her office, I see Todd in the waiting room. His face was so comforting to see and I was so glad he came. We walk into her office. I was anxious to know how I did. My audiologist tells me in order to qualify for the implant I have to get less than 65 percent of the words right. She tells me out of 100 words with both hearing aids on I only got three words right. With my left aid alone I got two words right. With my right aid alone I got one word right. For a very brief moment my heart sinks and I'm thinking to myself, geez, that's one percent or less. Then Mary Beth tells me, "Lisa, from the results of this test, you are a candidate for the cochlear implant. " My eyes get misty and I look over at my Mom and she has the biggest smile on her face. I see the excitement in her face. Even though I am told I am a candidate, I'm not allowing myself to get too excited because I want to hear the words from my doctor first at my appointment with him next week. Mary Beth proceeds to show me what the implant looks like and tells us everything we need to know about it. My Mom and I must have asked her a thousand questions but she answered all of them thoroughly. Todd was sitting there quietly and listened to all of us intently. Even though he looked serious, I knew from his expressions, he was excited for me. My final appointment is next Monday with my doctor to go over the results of the hearing test and my cat scan. He will tell me then if I am a definite candidate or not. I left the audiologist's office feeling pretty good. As I say goodbye to my Mom, I am feeling very grateful that she shared this day with me. My Dad wanted so badly to come to my appointment but got tied up with work in Columbus. I know he was feeling very anxious and he made the drive straight to my house from Columbus. It was 8:30pm when he arrived. I was so glad to see him. I share with him the news about my appointment. My Dad is truly excited for me. We talked for awhile. As we say goodbye, he walks out the door and looks back at me and says, "Love you". And of course, I tell him I love him too. I close the door and I think to myself, I have the best parents in the world......what a gift.
Until next Monday........