A day of reflection.......

So today I've had lots of time to think. The past four days almost seem unreal to me. Did I really make that life changing decision? Hard to believe I did. Something I've dreamed of for so long may possibly happen. There were so many times I've thought about pursuing this dream of mine but always tucked it away. I had excuses.... "my kids come first", fear, money, uncertainty and so on. Many small events over the last few months have nudged that very dream that I had buried so far in my subconsciousness. After my ear surgery in September and my quick recovery, I was thinking.... this wasn't so bad, maybe I could do it. In October, my oldest child leaving for college 20 hours away right after my surgery was the biggest turning point for me. Life as I knew it changed in the blink of an eye. Nothing prepares you for your child leaving the nest especially so far away. This was a new chapter of my life that I was not ready for. I am one that does not do well with change. I like to be in my comfort zone. Driving to Texas with Chris was a time I will never forget. We talked the entire 20 hours.....about him going after his dreams and making it happen. I was in awe of my son. I could never do what he did when I was his age. He inspired me. He always told me, Mom, you're never too old to go after your dreams....do it. My dream was trying to make its way through the cracks and kept nudging me. On Christmas Day, I had a conversation with my Grandma Oma. She is 88 years old and she is the most amazing woman. She has always been ever so present in my life and is so dear to my heart. I love my talks with her and I cherish them. In this particular conversation with her, I told her of my thoughts of having a cochlear implant. I remember her words vividly as she told me "Lisa, do not let anything stop you." It meant the world to me to hear her say those words to me! At the end of the day, when we said our goodbyes and gave each other a hug, she repeated those words to me. It meant so much to me coming from her. My Grandma was such a huge part of my life growing up and impacted me in so many ways with her wisdom, advice and showing me love more through her actions than words. My dream is still trying to make its way to the surface. After having my followup appointment and making my decision I am feeling a sense of peace in the days to follow. My loving husband and kids are excited for me. My Mom is miles away but I can feel her excitement for me. My coworkers were happy for me when I shared the news with them. I was overwhelmed with the encouraging responses from family and friends on my Facebook when I shared the link to my blog. On Friday, my Dad texts me and asks me to meet him for coffee at Tim Horton's. I love my coffee dates with him. I was thinking this was just another coffee date catching up on what's going on in our lives. I was wrong. My Dad just wanted to tell me how excited he was for me about the possibility of me getting the cochlear implant. That meant alot to me. I see the excitement in his eyes. I can feel the emotion in his words. My Dad is a very strong man and sometimes I think he thinks he can hide his emotions well. Not with me. I can see right through him. His lips quiver with emotion as he tells me, Lisa, I think so much stress will be relieved from your life if you have this cochlear implant. I was puzzled and asked why. He told me, I don't think you realize how hard you have to concentrate every day with your hearing loss. You work so hard every day and overcome so much to compensate for it. Wow, I never thought of it that way. I knew I worked extra harder but to me it was my normal. I told him I just can't imagine it to be able to go from zero percent to up to 65 percent hearing without lipreading. Without lipreading! My Dad tells me he can. We reminisced over my childhood and my challenges. It was a coffee date I will never forget. My dream has come to the surface! I am feeling a sense of peace. Some may question my decision and I tell myself that's okay. We all have different opinions and that's what makes the world go around. I have my entire family by my side and that's all that matters to me. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and I am embracing the changes. I am trusting in God as He leads me.

My life changing decision today....

Today was a big day for me. I made the decision to start the process of getting a cochlear implant. I went to my doctor this morning for my followup hearing test from my ear surgery I had in September. I had an ongoing infection in my ear for months prior and from the cat scan they found that I had an infection in my mastoid bone. When the doctor saw my cat scan, he said that I had a tumor along with the infection. The infection also caused my eardrum to rupture. So....he prepared me for the worst and I was immediately scheduled for surgery. I came through the surgery with flying colors. When I woke up, my doctor told me there was no tumor....just a really bad infection. It was a miracle. God answered prayers. I had so many people praying for me.....I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and many friends. I recovered quickly, however, my ear did not. I had several small infections as I was healing over the next few months. My hearing slowly came back but I noticed it wasn't where it was before. I anxiously awaited for my appointment today since they wanted to take a hearing test to compare it to the one I had right before surgery. Not so good news....I was told my right ear was very similar to the test I had before surgery. I had zero percent understanding without lipreading. In my left ear I had eight percent understanding without lipreading. I was told my hearing in my left ear was deteriorating. There was significant loss in my right ear since my last hearing test in 2008 before my infection started. That was a big blow to me. I could either live with it or see if I am a candidate for a cochlear implant. Right then and there I chose the latter. I was born with severe profound hearing loss in both ears and the hearing I had with my hearing aids was so precious to me. I depended on it. I could not imagine my life without it. So I told my wonderful doctor, Dr. Turner, that I wanted to start the process of getting a cochlear implant right away. I had no doubt in my mind that this was what I wanted and there was no turning back. I scheduled a series of three appointments. My first appointment is on January 30th for a cat scan on both ears. My second appointment will be on February 6th which will be a two and half hour long hearing test on both ears. My third appointment will be on February 13th with Dr. Turner to go over the results of both tests and to find out if I am a candidate for the cochlear implant. If I am a candidate, they will submit it to my insurance to see if they will cover my surgery which will take another four to six weeks to find out. So......I left my doctor's office with many emotions. I cried the whole way home. My life is changing as I know it. I was sad, scared, unsure, you name it. When I got home, I called my Mom on Facetime. Thank God for Facetime. Seeing her face was comforting and hearing her voice was just what I needed at the moment. She knows me better than anyone else. As the day went on, I thought about it alot. Different emotions were starting to surface. Excitement. Peacefulness. I decided I was going to make something positive out of this. God is opening a door for me and I'm going to walk through it. I don't know what the reason is for all of this but I'm not going to question it anymore.....I'm going to trust in Him. I have a great support system. My husband is so supportive of my decision. My kids think it's awesome. It means the world to me to have my family by my side as I make this walk through a new chapter of my life.