Friday, March 30, 2012

The sounds of nature through my eyes.......

This week is Spring Break for my kids. Monday was my day off work. Hannah had her best friend, Chloe spend the night. It was a gorgeous spring day. Although there was a little chill in the air, the sun is shining and the sun feels warm as I step out on the patio. I was trying to think of something free or cheap to do with the girls. I yearned to be outside since I have a love affair with the sun..... then it hit me. I go back inside and I ask the girls, "What do you think about going hiking today and then going to Rita's afterwards?" Their eyes widened with excitement and they hurry to change into long pants and get their shoes on. We make the drive to the Bill Yeck Park in Sugarcreek Reserves. I hear the girls chattering away in the back seat. I glance in my rearview mirror occasionally and I catch the sweet and innocent smiles on their face as they talk intently with one another. We arrive at the park and make our way down the long steps toward our two hour long hike. I am a few steps ahead and I hear them talking with excitement. Hannah tells me she remembers hiking here before. I asked Chloe if she has hiked here before and she tells me this is her first time hiking and I could sense the excitement in her voice. I knew this would be a good day with the girls. As we walk along, I feel the warmth of the bright sun on my face. It was just enough to take the chill off. The sky is blue. Everything is starting to bloom. As we make our way to the trail we hop around the muddy areas of grass being careful not to get our shoes soaked and muddy. As I walk along the trail, I see signs of life....the yellow grass turning to shades of green, the viny plants starting to grow, the little blooms on the branches of the trees, the water rushing swiftly along the creek, birds flying freely in the air......spring is here! This day almost iconic to me. I see spring as a new birth, a new season, in other words.....a new life. I'm thinking to myself as I see new life coming anew through nature, my life is changing in that very same sense. I imagine myself getting the cochlear implant and how everything will change. It will be a new life. I sometimes wonder if I will be like a butterfly making its way out of its cocoon ready to explore the world. I'm excited. I can't wait. Along the walk, I wonder about the sounds of nature. I wonder what it will be like to hear the grass crunch underneath my shoes as I walk. I can only imagine it to sound like paper crumpling. I think to myself how cool it would be to understand some of what the the girls are saying without lipreading as they walk behind me. There is a little wind in the air. I wonder to myself if I will hear the wind better. I imagine it to be like a whooshing sound or maybe a gentle blowing sound. The girls throw stones in the creek. I hear small splashes but I wonder how it really sounds sometimes. I imagine it to sound like big smacks against the water or big drips. We edge our way to the creek. There are big stepping stones across the creek. I sit down on a large rock on the side of the creek as the girls sit on the rocks in the middle of the creek. I watch them dig in the water with sticks and play with the water. Hannah looks up at me and smiles. I asked Hannah if Chloe knows what is happening with me. Chloe looks up confused and says, "What?" I asked her if her Mom told her what was going to be happening with me soon and she still looks confused. Hannah tells Chloe, "my mom is going to be getting a cochlear so she can hear. " Chloe exclaims "Oh my gosh, congratulations!" and smiles at me. So I get into a conversation with them about sounds of nature. I asked Hannah if she could hear the water rushing down the creek and she says,  "yes, it sounds very beautiful." I imagine it to sound very calming as it sloshes against the rocks. I talk about birds and crickets chirping and wonder how that sounds and Chloe pipes in and says "I heard a bird chirping today!" It was a really cool conversation to have with them and I tell them I want to bring them back here after I get my implant so I can hear all the sounds they are hearing. They both smiled at me and said "Oh yes!" We get up and make our walk back to the car. I think how amazing it would be to come back with the girls and experience the sounds of nature in a whole new way. My Mom once told me that I have a very keen sense of observation and that is one thing I know will never change after my implant. I often wonder what it will be like to hear sounds of nature not only through my eyes but my ears also.......like a butterfly, I'm excited to make my way to explore this new world of beautiful sounds! Hopfully my approval letter will come very soon........

Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Be still and know that I am God".....

I know it has been awhile since my last post. So much has happened the last few weeks. It has been a little over six weeks since my doctor's office submitted the request for my cochlear implant to my insurance company. The first few weeks flew by for me as I kept busy with the winding down of my boys', Matt and Andrew's wrestling season. Those weeks were lifesavers for me because I didn't have time to think about waiting for an approval. I just thought one day I would be surprised to get the letter in the mailbox when I least expected it. That was for sure.....it came on a day that I least expected it and it was not the letter I wanted. Three weeks ago, my son Matt wrestled at the high school state tournament at Ohio State in Columbus. All of our family were there.....we were all thrilled and excited to be sharing this with him for the second time in his high school wrestling career. In a matter of a day, it all changed. It went from high emotions of excitement to moments of heartbreak and scariness. Matt had an infection behind his knee earlier in the week and it developed into cellulitis. It spread so fast within hours of the state tournament. It was so hard for me as a Mom to watch my son suffer heartbreak as he lost the match to place by one point. He fought as long as he could with the pain he had. He knew before the match he had to go to the hospital regardless if he won or lost. What we thought would be just a few hours in the hospital turned out to be almost four days. It was much more serious than we thought and Matt ended up having surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics for three days. I learned alot that weekend. I learned about perserverance.... how hard he perservered through pain was an amazing thing for me to watch, although so heartbreaking. I witnessed God's grace through many events that unfolded that weekend. We were so blessed to have so many friends in our wrestling community rally behind Matt and our family. After almost 4 days he was able to come home. My oldest, Chris had flown in from Texas that same weekend to spend his spring break at home. I was so elated all of us would be home together that week and couldn't wait to get home. The day we came home from the hospital, I flipped through my mail. I see an envelope from Anthem and opened it thinking it was another claim form. It was the letter I least expected. All I could see was the word "PENDED" in capital letters. My heart sank. I read the letter several times. I took it as being denied. I went into my room and cried a little. Or maybe alot. I texted my Mom and Dad. Todd knew I was disappointed but yet he remained hopeful. He reminded me that my audiologist said at the beginning this might happen and that it happens alot. My Mom and Dad were still being very positive and tried to be encouraging to me. At the time, I thought, okay, this will just be another week or so. I focused on Matt's recovery at home and cherished the time I had with Chris the remaining week. I kept busy at work the following week. I felt somewhat sad and alone in my thoughts each day. It was like I was in this whirlwind of activities for so many weeks then, whoa, it came to a halt. There wasn't anything for me to do but think. I was sad Chris had to leave. My mind would race and the planner in me would think all these thoughts of how I would plan my surgery date around our summer activities. I became focused on checking the mail everyday. It was consuming my thoughts and I became more discouraged each day. There were two days I slept alot. I think I was trying to escape how I felt. It was not like me and I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the way I was allowing it to play with my emotions. I poured out my feelings to Todd earlier this week.  He is my best friend and my rock. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He tells me I need to let it go and let it happen. I am reminded God is in control. As a mom, I like to plan things and make things easier around our many activities, as I think most moms are, and as much as I would like to be in control, really.....I am not. God is in control. Today has been a tearful one for me. Not tears of sadness, but tears of realization and thankfulness. I realized today I had been cramming my days with activities to take the focus off of waiting for my approval. I wanted to be surprised and get that letter in the midst of all my activities. I was trying to control how I wanted it to happen. Today, I came across Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." Wow, I feel like God is telling me something. My world was busy and all of a sudden it's not.....it's so easy to get caught up in it. Maybe this was His way of telling me to take time out, draw near Him, to pause and know that He is God. It is only in stillness, when every other voice is hushed, that we can hear the voice of God. Be still, and know. He wants me to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I am so thankful for a faithful God who loves me and knows my plan before I do!